Let’s rant about computers

Why do people hate or fear computers?

Because they are both too smart and too dumb for their own good. They don’t know what the user wants but they like to try to guess (autocorrect, Mr. Paperclip “It looks like you’re trying to write a word document”) and they usually guess wrong.

There are dozens of processes going on behind the scenes at all times and these processes are all trying to make life easier for the user, but no one knows what they do and when things go wrong, it’s easy to blame these strange and mysterious gremlins. It’s like living in a house with mostly-intelligent robots. Oh, Mr. Robot did the dishes, but now I can’t fucking find my favorite cup.

Using shared repositories and other people’s code is the worst and the average person is lucky that they never have to present themselves at the reception desk of this particular level of hell.

I’ve taken to writing snarky README files when the gremlins mysteriously change stuff behind the scenes, stuff that should not have changed, stuff that I expect to be deterministic. Here’s my latest:

I don’t know what the fuck happened or how it happened, but I don’t trust any of the information contained in the following folders. It all seems to differ from the more recent data I’ve collected. How did this happen? Who the fuck knows?

I’m keeping it here, locked in the basement, under a black sheet, to someday frighten school children who explore this decrepit and condemned folder.

I accidentally hit one of the “F” keys recently, you know, those terrible and mighty keys at the top of your keyboard, the Cthulu of keys. Those keys that nobody knows what they do. Well whatever particular key I hit shifted focus to the scroll bar of the text editor I was in so that my arrow keys moved the scroll bar instead of moving the little flashing pipe symbol where I left off typing, because yeah, that’s a useful feature.

I was making small talk with an English major last night who confessed that she hates computers. I wanted to scream, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

Neal Holtshulte

Neal Holtschulte began graduate studies at the University of New Mexico in 2010. Neal graduated with a BA in Mathematics from Williams College. He works with an amiable and talented group of people including his advisor Professor Melanie Moses. Neal is currently working on automated software diversity with network security applications. Neal makes time to run and occasionally race in the 5k to 1/2 marathon range. He enjoys video games and maintains that while any bachelor can boil noodles, sauteing vegetables officially classifies as cooking.
This entry was posted in Life in General. Bookmark the permalink.